Blog Posts

On my mind.

Paraneoplastic took another person today. I didn't know the person well, but it hit me hard. It dredged up a lot of questions and emotions that I'd buried deep down. Will the cancer come back? Will I have further neurological damage? What's my plan if I deteriorate again? No one knows what's going to happen, so all I can do is live my life and try not think about it. It's not the best coping mechanism but it's the only one I have. It's hard to deal with these open-ended questions. The therapist at my rehabilitation center doesn't like "avoidance coping", where you ignore the stress and avoid dealing with the problem. But thinking about dying makes me spiral and puts me in a very dark place, so why should I deal with it? Why would I want to think about a topic that offers no relief in answers and always...

Jealousy and chronic illness

The lingering question of the day is if it’s hard to see others get better while you have a chronic illness. Honestly, the answer is both yes and no. Jealousy is such a complicated emotion. It can make you do and think things that you normally aren’t capable of. I feel jealousy, and I think that it’s a normal emotion to feel when others get better and you feel like you’re stuck in slow motion. But for me the feeling is temporary. I try to be self aware, and reflecting on my feeling usually means that jealousy gives way to being objectively happy for other people’s good fortune. It happened to me recently. Someone with Paraneoplastic has been getting better and starting to live life again. At first I had negative, overwhelming thoughts that brought me to tears. Eventually I realized that my feelings weren’t really about this other person....

Imposter syndrome when chronically ill

Recently I had a conversation with my physical therapist about paraneoplastic, chronic illness, my emotions, imposter syndrome and the topic of "what one symptom I'd get rid of if I could". This is a question that I’ve obsessed over and run through my broken mind over and over again. My neurological symptoms include impaired balance and coordination, tremors and slurred speech, but my answer would have to be the earth shattering fatigue. I'm okay with being in a wheelchair and not talking as much. But without the fatigue I’d be a lot more independent. I have imposter syndrome about my health, and it’s very much like this article from The Mighty. I think I’ve always had anxiety and feelings of inadequacy, I just covered those feelings with the constant partying of my 20s. I remember when I was at work I made a joke that I like to befriend people...
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